How does one make adult friends?

Temi Giwa
4 min readJul 17, 2021
Photo by Elevate on Unsplash

First let’s get somethings out of the way.

I’m a 36 year old female.

I come from a loving, supportive family. The type that could be the source material for one of those cheesy 80’s sitcoms. (Think the Cosbys, Brady Bunch, Family Ties … and if none of those words don’t mean something to then you are probably not old enough to be reading this)

I have a job that I love in one of the best places to work in the country. Earning enough to be able to afford most of the things I want with only a little bit of saving. I recently spent 3 months working remotely in Ghana, Mexico, San Diego.

I am single, I travel a lot and take up new hobbies like a crackhead. I spend most of my days smiling and laughing. And there are precious few things that I want that are out of my reach.

In other words. I am living my absolute best life.

Follow my esacapades on Instagram:

But … I have a really weird problem… I don’t have enough friends.

Now most of the people who know me will probably be confused by this. I’m considered friendly, charming and likeable(or at least I think I am). When I walk into a room people are usually happy/excited to see me.

But somehow when people form up into groups, or teams, or add to speed dial for when they want to go to a party or the movies, I tend not to be a part of the list. I have a shockingly few number of people that I talk to consistently on an every day basis.

I have no best friends because all the people I would choose already have best friends that aren’t me.

Now most of this is a me problem. I was a shy child, who spent most of my times drowning in books instead of playing with my classmates. Which means I can be awkward with other people and often make weird social faux pas. I am the queen of saying the wrong thing.

For extra icing on the cake, my childhood traumas have helped cultivate a lovely cornucopia of abandonment and attachment issues that make the process of creating deep and intimate interpersonal relationships a confusing maze of landmines*.

Me trying to make new friends.

In short, I’m just not that great at creating deep relationships.

And to add insult to injury, I no longer have the type of steady routine that is usually the shortcut to making new friends. The reason that your closest friends tend to come from work or school, is because you not only have a routine that forces you to be together most of the time, but you also have a shared world. Which means you have things in common that bond you.

I haven’t been in school in over a decade and I work remotely. I have to be super intentional when I’m trying to make friends. Because if I meet a “cool person” I will most likely not see them again unless we both go out of our way to see each other.

So what happens is I spend most of my time alone (and as an introvert I’m okay with that) with periods of intentionally trying to include people into my life. Because I acknowledge that most of the people in my life have their own friend groups already set up and I need their friendship more than they need mine.

And I’m am exhausted by it.

It seems weird to say, but I really miss having a group of people to hang out with, where all the “effort” in the friendship isn’t coming from me. I would love to have a group of people where it’s taken for granted that we’ll hang out more than once a month. Without me having to initiate the hangouts.

So here are my questions…

  • Am I the only person who feels this way? If not … where the hell are the rest of you?
  • Are there tricks to finding and making new friends?

It seems like such a weird “uncool” thing to ask but … I’m not socially aware enough to know better. So … yeah … hit me up if you have the answers.


So turns out the PM in me just couldn’t let this go … and I think I’ve come up with a solution.

Click here to check out Mingle … the right way to make adult friends

*Don’t worry I’m working on it



Temi Giwa

I write about starting and growing new things. Mostly around startups and how to build your own. I also have opinions … lots of them … come fight me 🤦🏾‍♀️